Today’s Email–Jesus Gets Down To Business: He Wants to Dump Me

From Jesus Christ of Yahweh

Tue, Mar 2, 2010 at 8:17 PM

Subject: Emergency

Greetings from THE SON OF MAN:
To the Deacon Tim I send thanks for your efforts, responses and question.  You beseech instruction to further the Emergency Elect.  I send the following emergency instruction: 
Send Me the Name and eMail of a  chosen, English-speaking, Emergency Elect other than yourself.
The Word of God
Telephone: +1(650) 520-2317
My Rules:
1. My Press must be authorized.
2. No impromtu meetings nor impromtu interactions.
3. No photos, etc.
4. “No or Yes” questions only.
IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER:  This Message is an Official Message for the Government of Abraham founded in part by Jesus Christ of Yahweh.  Any interference with This Message, The Originator, His Respondents, His Adherents, His Mechanisms, etc. are subject to no appellate authority.  
03/02/2010 06:49:35 PM

 My Dear Lord Jesus Christ of Yahweh the Son of Man:

I have been working very hard today to find a suitable and holy man that you may be proud of as he wears the Banner of the Cross out into the field of battle. So many people sign the little tracts that you can find in the rest area bathrooms and then –poof! Nothing. Well, I actually sign them too, especially that part about the praying the Sinner’s Prayer, because I figure, you know, it never hurts to be born again again.

This morning I was at the 7-11 talking to Doug about Amy his sister who has run off again this time with a Goth that she knew from cosmetology class and and he was just really broken up and sobbing. I said, “Doug, don’t you think Jesus can help you with this burden?” And I took his hand and looked tenderly into his eyes like you always do in the picture where you’ve got that little lamb on your shoulder or the one where you’re just knock knock knockin on heaven’s door. And he just stood up and walked away. I knew he wasn’t really part of the Emergency Elect or I figured he probably wasn’t since he left and he was smoking after all and our bodies are Temples of Your Spirit and so we shouldn’t smoke or meat on Fridays.

That’s when I went straight home called my friend Bob from Tabernacle Bible College and World Evangelistic Center. Bob was always a really serious guy and sometimes we would have long discussions about Daniel’s 70 weeks or the 7 Beasts of the Apocalypse or why the Whore of Babylon was not just the Papists but all the liberal churches that deny the absolute truth of the Bible and promote abortion. I said “Bob we have found the messiah!” and he just laughed and said “Can anything good come out of Nazareth?” and we both laughed and I said “Well, actually it’s Santa Clara” and he said “What are you really serious??!?” and I replied “You bet I am and as soon as I connect you and Him He will be making us both part of the 24 Emergency Elect.”

Bob kind of hooted and hollered a bit and said, “You’re not really pulling my leg are you? Because, my gracious, that wouldn’t be very funny” But I told him “No this is really serious dead serious in fact.” I told him all about you and he swore to follow you to the death.

His name is Bob Labazevitch but we always just called him Bladboy because it was sort of funny and because no one at Tabernacle Bible College could say Labazevitch. His email is bladboy@——.com and he is awaiting your holy and blessed words of institution.

I hope you are having a Miraculous and Spirit-Filled Day! (Even though I’m sure that’s not really all that hard for you.)

Your loving and heavily armed Foot Soldier in the Battle of the Cross

Deacon Tim

P.S. I really want to know how come the Bible says we shouldn’t eat cheeseburgers and shrimp? I really like both of them and sometimes I go down to the Sonic and have one of the double chili cheeseburgers but I really feel bad about it. Not as bad as when I do that other thing but I have stopped that now and won’t do it again especially because I am trying to live a holy life as an Emergency Elect. I don’t eat shrimp anymore though since last year when that old lady swelled right up in her chair at Shoney’s and died with her mouth full of shrimp. That could have been me I thought but I was saved by grace.

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